loss

Today I Kissed My Love Goodbye

Today I kissed my love goodbye.

“Don’t forget your dinner!” “Do you have your gun and shield?” “Beep the horn for Lucas when you drive away!” “Come home safe!”

I kissed my love goodbye – and watched him walk away.

Every day.

All these years of practicing this same routine and it somehow has gotten harder instead of easier. That voice inside me wondering – was that the last time?

Was that the last time I’ll feel your lips pressed against mine and feel the strong, firm touch of your hands around me?

Was that the last time your children will yell “Bye, Dad! See you when you get here!” and wait for your return with their faces pressed against the window?

Will you be that faceless man who is called a hero for a week, and then slips from memory? Will I be that wife who is handed a folded flag, sobbing eyes hidden behind dark glasses, a chilling picture of both strength and heartbreak, whose children cling to her as their father is carried away?

I have seen that wife too many times in recent months. Each time it is the same. 

They call her husband a hero – but then they easily forget his sacrifice- and hers. While he is alive, they taunt him, doubt him, curse him – and then when he dies, they give speeches and try to honor his name.

This wife doesn’t want a dead hero. She wants the laughter and love of the man beside her. She wants the man who has seen inside her heart – and stayed to love her. She wants the man who catches her eye across a roomful of noisy littles and laughingly yells, “Hey, let’s take our coffee outside and call it a date!!” She wants that man, not a hero in the ground.

The days go by so quickly, but the nights are long. Those hours in the quiet darkness are a blessing and a curse, part of the endless push and pull of this life.

Today I kissed my love goodbye and while my lips spoke all the same mundane words, my heart called out: “Please don’t go. Today, don’t go. Stay here where you are safe, where you are loved.”

But I don’t say that.

I say: “Have a good night, dearest! Don’t forget your dinner! Come home safe!”

And then I kiss my love goodbye – and watch him walk away.

xoxo,

Anna

 

 

Not Just A Job

Not Just A Job

There’s another side to police life. There’s a part you don’t see in the media. There’s something they don’t tell you when they hand your loved one the uniform to wear, and the gun to carry.
They tell you it will be a difficult life, that there will be challenges, stress, and sometimes horror. You hear about the disappointment, the loneliness, and the frustration of a schedule that is constantly changing. You learn all too quickly to live with the fear of death or injury knocking at the door. It becomes routine to kiss him goodbye, and wonder if it was for the last time.

But they never told me that seeing his strength in the face of the unimaginable would make me love him more.

I didn’t know that all those nights spent lonely without him would make our time together infinitely more precious.

I didn’t realize that all the what ifs of this life would make the now so important to us both.

They never told me that even when I cried, I’d be so incredibly humbled by the character, the honor, and the compassion I saw in him, often challenged, but never broken.

In those dark moments, when the grief was too overwhelming and words meant nothing, when I watched him put his uniform back on, and strap his gun to his belt, his heart battered, but never weak – I would come to understand that this “job” is not just a job, but a call, and that we must answer it together, always.

He tends the city, while I tend our home. He looks death in the face – but in his children he finds life. He is surrounded by hatred, anger, injustice, and despair – but in his home, there is peace, faith, hope and love. Out there he is often doubted and disrespected – here he is honored and cherished.

He walks a path of constant uncertainty but he will always know this: here, in his home, is his sanctuary, where he is seen, respected, and loved.

My husband is a Police Officer, and I am proud to be his wife.

xoxo,
Anna

I Choose Love

I Choose Love

 

I had so many conversations over the last few days. Difficult conversations.

I was forced to consider things from a different perspective, and realized that the more open my heart is, the more room there is for love.

Right now the world is noisy and full of hate. But that changes one person at a time. We are the world.

Today – every day – I choose Love.

Be safe, be the good, come home to me – always!

xoxo, Anna