honesty

I Was Here

 

I want them to remember that I was here.

Sometimes I was here in big, exciting ways: hosting parties and holidays, arranging surprises, planning vacations, and doing Pinteresty projects.

Sometimes I was here in quiet ways: drying tears, reading books, cuddling during thunderstorms, making snacks, folding laundry, budgeting for necessities and fun, driving them to the activities and friends they love.

Sometimes I was barely here at all, just going through the motions of the day. Watching the clock and wishing it would move more quickly so that I could call for bedtime.

Sometimes I wished I wasn’t here. When the heavy weight crushed down on me, when the enormous responsibility of this motherhood life felt too overwhelming – then I would cry hot, aching tears that didn’t stop, terrified that I was not the mother I am supposed to be, resentful of the freedom that was no longer mine.

But, my sweet loves, Mama was here. Always here. Here for the good and the beautiful that I love to share, and here for the darkness, too.

Remember that Mama was here, that Mama tried and tried again, and remember –  always – that you are loved with every part of my heart.

Xoxo,

Anna

Moments

Then there’s this. 

This other side of motherhood that nobody else sees. 

Those moments when you think you might be invisible…and then you wish you were so that at least you could drink your coffee in silence. 

Those moments you find yourself crying over the washing machine and thinking that no one has EVER been as terrible a mother as you. 

Raise your hand if you’ve been there!! 🙋

The other day, I was talking with another mother, whose kids are older now, and she told me, “You’ll miss the hugs and kisses, and as unbelievable as it sounds, you’ll miss the noise!” 

It made me stop and think. Moments, good and bad, are part of every life. But this motherhood thing is about much more than a moment. It’s about a lifetime of moments that are shaping the hearts of my children, and in the meantime, also shaping my own. 

This is why I look for the good,why I share the good – why I am one of those people that loves that silly chain-mail-esque “Love Your Spouse” challenge. 

Not to be fake. Not to say that the bad moments aren’t there. But to acknowledge and remember always that the good is all around. 

Today and every day… I choose joy. I choose love. 

Xoxo,

Anna

Because It’s Worth It

My motherhood is a constant pull of emotions in my heart.

There are days I feel overwhelmed by this life, and then there are days I look around and feel incredibly blessed by the happiness and richness of love around me. There are days I think I would give a limb to be able to sit in silence, and then I remember a time when I was sitting in silence, longing for the community and activity and experiences that I now have.

It’s become very on trend to write “Open Letter to That Person In the Store,” or to talk about all the tedious, stressful parts of motherhood. 
Those things are all real. I’m not trying to be fake or flippant. 

But for me, perspective is everything. 

Realizing that as tired as I am at the end of every day, I’m tired from doing the job I love most of all. Appreciating that even when mistakes are made, my children never doubt my love. And feeling grateful that through motherhood, by opening my heart to the good, so many beautiful, strong people have become part of my world. 

I will still be bummed when my kids wake me up at 7 on a weekend instead of sleeping in till 11. My teething toddler’s screams are no more pleasant to me than to anyone else. 🙉 But I will choose joy. Every day I will CHOOSE joy and love. 
Not because it’s always easy. Because it’s always worth it.
Xoxo,

Anna