fear

Today I Kissed My Love Goodbye

Today I kissed my love goodbye.

“Don’t forget your dinner!” “Do you have your gun and shield?” “Beep the horn for Lucas when you drive away!” “Come home safe!”

I kissed my love goodbye – and watched him walk away.

Every day.

All these years of practicing this same routine and it somehow has gotten harder instead of easier. That voice inside me wondering – was that the last time?

Was that the last time I’ll feel your lips pressed against mine and feel the strong, firm touch of your hands around me?

Was that the last time your children will yell “Bye, Dad! See you when you get here!” and wait for your return with their faces pressed against the window?

Will you be that faceless man who is called a hero for a week, and then slips from memory? Will I be that wife who is handed a folded flag, sobbing eyes hidden behind dark glasses, a chilling picture of both strength and heartbreak, whose children cling to her as their father is carried away?

I have seen that wife too many times in recent months. Each time it is the same. 

They call her husband a hero – but then they easily forget his sacrifice- and hers. While he is alive, they taunt him, doubt him, curse him – and then when he dies, they give speeches and try to honor his name.

This wife doesn’t want a dead hero. She wants the laughter and love of the man beside her. She wants the man who has seen inside her heart – and stayed to love her. She wants the man who catches her eye across a roomful of noisy littles and laughingly yells, “Hey, let’s take our coffee outside and call it a date!!” She wants that man, not a hero in the ground.

The days go by so quickly, but the nights are long. Those hours in the quiet darkness are a blessing and a curse, part of the endless push and pull of this life.

Today I kissed my love goodbye and while my lips spoke all the same mundane words, my heart called out: “Please don’t go. Today, don’t go. Stay here where you are safe, where you are loved.”

But I don’t say that.

I say: “Have a good night, dearest! Don’t forget your dinner! Come home safe!”

And then I kiss my love goodbye – and watch him walk away.

xoxo,

Anna

 

 

Pray For Orlando – But Then Pray For This

peace

I will pray for Orlando. I will pray for France. I will pray for Syria, and Turkey, and Russia – and America.

I will pray for this world that will one day belong to our children.

I will pray for a world that is falling apart, a world that is blinded by ignorance and fueled by rage.

I will pray for a country left with an impossible choice between two evils. I will pray for it all.

But then I will pray for my own heart – because that is where it begins.

I will pray for the courage to do little things with great love.

I will pray for the wisdom to foster peace in my children, because those who do not know peace cannot bring it to others.

I will pray for the Love that only He can give. Hate is loud. Hate is boisterous. Love is quiet, but Love conquers all.

In the eyes of the world, we are powerless, you and I, in our little corners, living our little lives. But we are the world. Each of us, in some small way, brings light or darkness.

My hand will never sign national documents, but it will soothe my children and I will teach them gentleness.

My lips will never give great speeches that will rock a nation to its core, but they will speak words of love to my children. They are learning from me what love is.

My feet will never march bravely onto battlefields, but they will walk – silently – endlessly – giving, performing those thousand and one little tasks that make our house a home.

I will bring love here, I will bring peace here – and from here, it will go out into the world.

Hate is all around, but I believe in the good. I will always believe in the good.

It starts here. It starts now.

It begins with me.

xoxo, Anna